\u00cen regatul britanic toate lucrurile sunt supradimensionate. De la inconturnabila lir\u0103 care valoreaz\u0103 c\u00e2t trei dolari, p\u00e2n\u0103 la porumbeii obezi \u015fi c\u0103c\u0103cio\u015fi care au dimensiunile unor curci. Copacii cresc \u015fi ei mai stufo\u015fi, iarba e mai m\u0103noas\u0103, ziarele \u015fi revistele (care se \u00eenc\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2neaz\u0103 s\u0103 ias\u0103 \u00een format print) au pagini mai multe, emisiunile televizate au o durat\u0103 mai mare, urechile prezentatorilor sunt mai lungi, iar femeile (englezoaice) mai late. Exist\u0103 cu adev\u0103rat o supradimensionare a tuturor lucrurilor ca \u015fi cum Albionul \u015fi-ar fi conservat \u00een fiecare particul\u0103 reflexele extinderii coloniale \u015fi refrenul care l-a f\u0103cut posibil: Mult. Mai mult. \u015ei mai mult.
\nEi bine, dac\u0103 unele lucruri care abund\u0103 \u00een dimensiunea \u015fi greutatea lor (p\u00e2n\u0103 \u015fi sistemul metric englezesc este mai cuprinz\u0103tor) sunt de partea bun\u0103, altele, intr\u0103 \u00een categoria (exacerbat\u0103) a monstruozit\u0103\u0163ilor. S\u0103 lu\u0103m, bun\u0103oar\u0103, fauna. Fauna \u015fi o subspecie a ei: familia Muridae. N-am v\u0103zut nic\u0103ieri, de pild\u0103, \u015fobolani a\u015fa de mari ca \u00een Anglia. C\u00e2nd l-am \u00eent\u00eelnit pe primul (\u00een curtea casei unde locuiesc) mi-am v\u0103zut \u2013 ca \u00een m\u0103rturiile post-comatoase ale celor care au \u00eenfruntat moartea \u2013 propria via\u0163\u0103 derul\u00e2ndu-se \u00eenaintea ochilor. M-am v\u0103zut mic, cu alaiul \u0103la de rememor\u0103ri aproape amniotice (mai mult senza\u0163ii \u015fi culori galben-s\u00e2ngerii), m-am v\u0103zut \u015foim al patriei, elev de gimnaziu, la bloc, cu copiii, tr\u0103ind ludicul jocurilor laolalt\u0103, m-am v\u0103zut prepuber, adolescent, student, pribeag, pentru ca ultima imagine, rostogolit\u0103 cu viteza luminii s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenf\u0103\u0163i\u015feze ca \u00eentr-o oglind\u0103 actual\u0103, fa\u0163\u0103 \u00een fa\u0163\u0103 cu roz\u0103toarea gigant, care \u2013 de bun\u0103 seam\u0103 \u2013 avea s\u0103 m\u0103 devoreze. Nici ast\u0103zi nu \u015ftiu prin ce minune am reu\u015fit s\u0103 scap. (Probabil c\u0103 o fi fost vreun \u015fobolan na\u0163ionalist, convins, din experien\u0163\u0103, c\u0103 emigran\u0163ii n-au gust bun.) Alt\u0103 dat\u0103, am fost fug\u0103rit de un bondar gras c\u00e2t un purcelu\u015f de lapte c\u0103ruia \u00eei c\u0103\u015funase tocmai pe mine \u015fi care m-a survolat ca un SpitFire sfid\u00e2nd legile gravita\u0163iei cale de minute bune. Am sc\u0103pat gra\u0163ie miopiei de care (foarte probabil) suferea \u015fi care l-a f\u0103cut s\u0103 se izbeasc\u0103 de geamul verandei cu consecven\u0163\u0103 de musc\u0103 beat\u0103. Iar \u015fi iar. P\u00e2n\u0103 a c\u0103zut lat.
\nDar dincolo de incidentele astea izolate am dus (\u015fi duc) aproape zi de zi b\u0103t\u0103lii (corp la corp) cu p\u0103ianjenii. \u00cei suspectez (pe to\u0163i) c\u0103 fac culturism \u015fi c\u0103 se \u00eendoap\u0103 cu anabolizante. \u00cei descoperi deodat\u0103 cu siluetele lor m\u0103t\u0103h\u0103loase \u00eempietri\u0163i amenin\u0163\u0103tor pe c\u00e2te vreun perete, at\u00e2rna\u0163i \u00een vreun col\u0163 de camer\u0103, sau pur \u015fi simplu preumbl\u00e2nd cu mi\u015fc\u0103rile lor tarantulice peste tot, omniprezen\u0163i \u015fi lugubri, seto\u015fi de s\u00e2nge mioritic. Nu-\u0163i r\u0103m\u00e2ne dec\u00e2t (aidoma scenariilor din romanele istoric-fantasy) s\u0103 deschizi dulapul secret (ticsit de armuri, coifuri \u015fi halebarde), ca \u00eentr-un joc gotic, s\u0103 te \u00eenarmezi murmur\u00e2nd o rug\u0103ciune \u015fi s\u0103 ie\u015fi cu b\u0103\u015fica adrenalinei spart\u0103 la lupta cea mare. Umilin\u0163ele nu \u0163i le cuno\u015fti dec\u00e2t tu, ca \u00eentr-o boal\u0103 grea \u015fi ru\u015finoas\u0103. De c\u00e2te ori n-am fost t\u00e2r\u00e2t pe sc\u0103ri, tras c\u0103tre tenebre, url\u00e2nd de acolo, din \u00eentuneric: \u201eUnde m\u0103 duci, bestie?\u201c
\nDar, \u00een fine, toate chestiile astea fac parte din r\u0103zboiul mut \u015fi din umilin\u0163ele ne\u015ftiute ale rom\u00e2nului pribeag prin \u0163ara reginei. Apropo: a observat cineva c\u0103 inclusiv p\u0103l\u0103riile Alte\u0163ei Sale Regale par ni\u015fte farfurii zbur\u0103toare cu c\u00e2te-un ghiveci (gigant) chiflit, penibil, \u00eentr-o r\u00een\u0103?
\nC\u0103 de-aia v\u0103 spun: Toate lucrurile \u00een regat sunt supradimensionate. De la inconturnabila lir\u0103 care valoreaz\u0103 c\u00e2t trei dolari, p\u00e2n\u0103 la porumbeii obezi \u015fi c\u0103c\u0103cio\u015fi care au dimensile unor curci. Copacii cresc \u015fi ei mai stufo\u015fi, iarba e mai m\u0103noas\u0103, ziarele \u015fi revistele (care se \u00eenc\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2neaz\u0103 s\u0103 ias\u0103 \u00een format print) au pagini mai multe, emisiunile televizate au o durat\u0103 mai mare, urechile prezentatorilor sunt mai lungi, iar femeile (englezoaice) mai late. Iar motto-ul \u0103la englezesc (debitat de poetul victorian Robert Browning pe la 1800-toamna) cu \u201eless is more\u201c e \u015fi el o diversiune. De fapt: \u201emore is even more\u201c.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00cen regatul britanic toate lucrurile sunt supradimensionate. De la inconturnabila lir\u0103 care valoreaz\u0103 c\u00e2t trei dolari, p\u00e2n\u0103 la porumbeii obezi \u015fi c\u0103c\u0103cio\u015fi care au dimensiunile unor curci. Copacii cresc \u015fi ei mai stufo\u015fi, iarba e mai m\u0103noas\u0103, ziarele \u015fi revistele (care se \u00eenc\u0103p\u0103\u0163\u00e2neaz\u0103 s\u0103 ias\u0103 \u00een format print) au pagini mai multe, emisiunile televizate au… Cite\u0219te mai mult »Doru-i dor \u015fi more is more. Nevroze de emigrant<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[15271],"class_list":["post-24798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mozaic","tag-viata-la-londra"],"views":1205,"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24798","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24798"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24798\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24799,"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24798\/revisions\/24799"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24798"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24798"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacultura.ro\/nou\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24798"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}